mynameisash's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i know better too.

Whats funny
is when I started this journal. I'd never been drunk.
And now. I actually set out to get that way to numb the feelings that I used to express on here. Hmm. now it doesn't seem like such a mystery where all my potential in writng went?

It's so much easier to get drunk and numb it. Or drunk and ignore it. or drunk and make it worse but belive it's the best.

Either way..

who am I kidding it's not working. especiall since the abortion.

I do so many drugs and nothing makes a difference. I'm too fucking smart to move on to heavier shit. oh and I'm too fucking smart to accept depression as a real answer.

so i take drugs that help me feel more of other things.. or I take the drugs my dr. gives me to feel nothing.

although I do miss not crying. I remember complaining to Mike abotu how nothing mattered nothing could even shake me. When he got upset.. I couldn't even muster upset-ness for myself.

but do I accept the alternative? This horrible guilt/sad/shitty lifestyle pattern my brain insists on continuing year after year?

how come some girls dont have to cry in front of people.... but everyone I've met has held me in their arms as I bawled..

My point is. I'm tired of bawling. I've been crying for so long and it makes no difference. I've been trying so hard to stop. but so far crying in private is the best I can do. I'm snapping at my friends and my boyfriend.. but to my suprise.. (I didn't think I could pull it off) it's working well.

I have snapped at both.. then apologized, blamed on hormones. smiled and went into a bathroom stall to finish out my stressing moment, then returned fresh faced... and it goes as if nothing has occured.

it's working.
this stupid experiment is working.
Am i bottling myself up?
Am I going to regret this?

I guess I'll find out. because even though it isn't working well. Productivitiy-wise I'm meeting peoples standards of me.. and crying wise .. it's occuring half as much.

it makes me so sad inside to know that the people who love me most can't tell..

I want to cry. i'm almost crying.. but 'm not.

because wet eyes are easier to brush off than a wavering voice.

it's 9.
i just want to shower in hot hot hot hot hot water.
then sleep.
forever.

oh I guess I can tell you diary. I'm a bit of a Harry Potter myself.. when I get upset and think about burning myself. isntantaneously this new phantom pain occurs. It aches and burns and itches. just like it would have if I had actually brought the lighter to my skin.. but in reality.. it's an old scar.. not terribly old but most definatly old enough to not cause me aching pains. and this is a definate burning.

I tried to tell eric a few times.
he never took the bait.

thats one of the things I'm learning. if the fish dont take the bait. Switch baits....

and throw away the old bait forever and ever because no one wants to hear about it. or rather snatch it up.

so goodbye old bait.
hello aching private burning arm.
safes me lighter fluid I guess.
probably not though.
I give me till the end of the night. hah.
I'm so fucking sad.. it's sad. i feel bad for myself.

p.s. I'm developing another personality. I see myself through 3rd person at all times.. I judge my first person reality and critisize it through 3rd person.

It's getting me through the days.

i hate being crazy enough to want to die, but smart enough to know completly better.

9:02 p.m. - January 10, 2008

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next